Orientation to life without violence
Life after violence can unexpectedly feel more difficult than one might have anticipated. You may feel lost, or unsure about what you want from life. The effects of violence can continue long after the separation, but the freedom and absence of violence that have replaced it may lead you to ask: Who am I? Where am I going?
In life, you often need to reorient yourself in some way. The old version of you—the one that existed before the violence—is gone. Reorientation can be supported by examining yourself from different perspectives:
- What was I like as a child?
- What of that still remains in me?
- What are my personality traits?
- What am I good at, and in what areas would I like to grow?
- How would I like other people to describe me?
- Are there habits I would like to let go of?
- What do I enjoy?
- What kind of music do I like to listen to, what is my favorite food, my favorite color?
- What have I once dreamed of, and what do those dreams look like now?
You can use a journal or create a mind map to help reflect on these questions.
Reorientation often also involves examining your relationship with other people. A person inevitably changes over the course of life, and such a significant experience as violence will certainly have brought changes as well. It is natural that this may also affect your relationships with others and your expectations of them. The following questions can help guide this reflection:
- What kinds of relationships do I want in my life?
- Do I have the kinds of relationships I hope for?
- Are there relationships I could let go of, or perhaps harmful ones?
- If it is difficult to find answers, you can tune into how you feel after meeting a particular person.
- Do you feel empowered, uplifted, and refreshed, or do you feel heavy or confused?
Your own feelings are a good measure. Although people need other people, sometimes a relationship reaches its end, and that can be accepted. Friendships do not have to last a lifetime, and you also have the right to stop staying in contact with relatives.
Your personal values also become clearer through this reflection, which helps in making choices. Safety is something worth moving toward after violence.
- Do your choices promote safety, or do they take you further away from it?
- What kinds of situations do you seek out?
Sometimes people who have experienced violence describe a pattern, feeling that “this always happens to me” or that they end up in harmful relationships. It is important to take agency over your own life and make decisions with safety as a priority. If this is new and unfamiliar, it will naturally feel difficult, but it is something you can learn. It is also part of personal growth—learning to know yourself—and through that, you can move closer to your authentic self and a life that reflects your values. It is easier to live and grow in safety, and this can create a positive cycle. Every person deserves a safe life.
It is also possible that even after violence and after gaining clarity about your direction, you may occasionally lose sight of it. Writing down your dreams and goals, or creating a vision board, can help.
You can keep your vision board somewhere visible at home so it continually reminds you of your direction. A vision board can be made on a large piece of cardboard or paper by drawing or gluing images cut out from magazines—images that resonate with you or represent something meaningful and desirable to you.
Sometimes images can express and open up more than words. You can also include words and sentences on your vision board. There is no wrong way to create one. Let your dreams and hopes run free!
