Why do I still miss the person that hurt me?
In the person you loved, and may still love, there are also wonderful sides, and you have shared many good times together. When a relationship ends, or has already ended, it’s common to miss those times and those aspects of the person. At the same time, this very person has hurt you and caused you a great deal of suffering.
You may have experienced trauma that has left a mark on your brain. As a result, what is familiar to you — even if it involves suffering — can feel, in a certain way, safer and more appealing than life without this person. Life without them is unfamiliar and may even feel frightening. You may experience a psychological dependence on this person.
When you accept the fact that you cannot live in a violent relationship, you can help yourself move forward from the longing. You are allowed to miss them and the past, and to grieve as you let go. But, remind yourself from time to time that the longing will pass and that a safe, violence-free life awaits you.
Longing can be endured; it does not have to lead to making contact. You can talk about the longing with people close to you, write about it in a journal, and learn to regulate it. As an image, you might imagine putting the longing away in a cupboard and replacing it with hope. You can gently guide your mind toward the good life you deserve, for example, by dreaming about it.
In your mind, you may have created an image of the person you long for that is not necessarily real. This image may have been tied to dreams and expectations — you may have built pictures in your mind of a wonderful shared future. Often, when a relationship begins and one is in love, an idea is formed of what life together could be like. This does not necessarily match the other person’s plans, their true inner world, or their character. That is why it is important to be able to separate your own fantasies from who this person has actually been toward you — and who they could be at their worst.
Longing may also include grief, as you have to let go of those dreams of a shared life — they will never come to pass. You can make space for grief, cry it out, and offer yourself compassion. But so that it doesn’t take all your strength, you can sometimes guide your thoughts toward the positive aspects of the situation. At the same time, it’s important to hold on to a healthy daily routine.
