When you have decided to separate / In the situation of separation
If you have experienced intimate partner violence and the violence or the threat of it continues during the breakup process, the professionals helping you see your situation as a so-called high security risk separation. In order for them to know how to help you the right way, be open about factors that create insecurity, such as violence you have experienced or violence against a child or threats of violence. Remember that also e.g. verbal outbursts of anger, attempts to alienate a child and unjustified criminal reports are considered violent behavior.
Breaking up is rarely easy, and for a victim of intimate partner violence, the process of breaking up can be particularly risky. Sometimes the mere thought of the reaction produced by the breakup in the perpetrator of violence makes the victim stay in the relationship. A separation situation that raises emotions may provoke violence or make violence more severe. Remember that help is available during the separation itself and also afterwards. Leaving an abusive relationship is possible, although starting the process can seem difficult. A person who has experienced violence may have many questions regarding their own and their children's safety and survival in the new everyday life after the breakup.
Wellbeing services counties, parishes and non-profit organizations offer various services to help with separation. The wellbeing services county’s family legal services support children in matters of maintenance, housing, visitation and child support in the event of a divorce or separation, and ultimately the court will resolve the differences between the parties. Specific support for getting safe from violence is offered by services specializing in intimate partner violence work - check out the Contact information page.
If leaving the relationship causes you an acute threat of violence, it is good to plan the departure in advance and, if possible, discuss it with loved ones and professionals. You can find more information about preparing to go to safety, shelters and plans for your safety here:
Unfortunately, violence does not necessarily end in separation. You may have to make plans for your own and your children's safety, also for everyday life after the breakup. The stress caused by the threat of violence is alleviated when you have a realistic risk assessment of the situation and concrete plans for acting in threatening situations. Read more about preparing for the threat and your possibilities to protect yourself:
How to prepare for threat
Criminal procedure
Restraining order
If the separating partners have children together, the connection with the ex-spouse cannot be completely cut off after the separation: it must be possible to somehow agree on the children's care, housing, meetings and maintenance. This is especially challenging in situations where there has been violence during the relationship and possibly after it ended. A violent partner may, for example, threaten to demand sole custody of the children on false grounds. On the other hand, a person who has experienced violence may be so afraid of possible violence against children after the breakup that he or she gives up on separation plans for this reason alone.
When agreeing on a child's affairs, however, the goal is that shared custody and meeting with the distant parent must not endanger the child's safety. There are ways to support this goal.
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After the breakup, parents are often encouraged and supported to engage in so-called cooperative parenting, where the parents amicably and jointly take care of the children with the children's best interests in mind. The pursuit of such an ideal can seem heavy to someone experiencing intimate partner violence. Contact with a potentially threatening ex-partner produces stress and conflict situations. Cooperative parenting often turns out to be impossible if the power dynamics of the relationship between the parents are skewed. When the family has a history of violence, it may be safer to strive for so-called parallel parenting, in order to limit violent behavior.
In parallel parenting, both parents take care of the children's well-being on their own, and the parents' contact and meetings with the children are organized in ways that support the safety of the person experiencing violence and the children. Communication can be minimized and limited to dealing with only necessary matters concerning the child by agreeing on a sole channel for communication (e.g. e-mail) and by carefully defining the matters to be dealt with and the rules for communication so that it does not get inappropriate. Parallel parenting may also require visitation arrangements where the parents do not meet (see Supervised and supported visits and supervised exchanges).
The parents' possibilities to agree on child custody after separation are defined by the Child Custody and Right of Access Act. The law states, for example, thus: "The child must be protected from all kinds of physical and mental violence, maltreatment and exploitation. A child shall be brought up with understanding, security and affection. A child must not be subdued, corporally punished or treated offensively in any other way."
If the child has two guardians, neither of them can decide arbitrarily, without the consent of the other guardian, how the maintenance of the child will be arranged after the separation. If the parents reach an agreement on issues concerning the child, they can confirm a written agreement on the care of the child and visitation rights with the child welfare officer. The task of the child welfare officer is to assess that the best interests of the child are realised. Parents can also deal with custody and visitation rights issues in family mediation or expert-assisted custody dispute mediation in the district court. However, mediation is only suitable for situations where the conflicts between the parents are not so deep that they prevent communication and finding a solution in the best interest of the child.
When the parents disagree and/or they have no capacity to discuss with each other, the court makes the decision in the child's affairs. Either of the parents can make an application to the court regarding the handling of custody and visitation rights. Under certain conditions, the child can be heard in connection with the case. The court will acquire additional information about the family's situation, the child's living conditions and other factors affecting the resolution of the matter, if it is necessary in regard of the best interest of the child. When the case is pending in court, the court can issue a temporary order regarding the child's residence and visitation rights, which is valid until a final decision is reached. In the application and during the processing of the custody and visitation rights case, it is advisable to bring up the violence experienced in the relationship and/or against the child, because the law obliges the court to find a solution that protects the child from violence.
After the separation or divorce, the child's meetings with the parent with whom he or she does not reside can be carried out as supported or supervised meetings, if the child's best interests require it. In this case, the child meets the parent in such a way that a professional supervising the meeting is present. The basis for a supervised or supported meeting can be, for example, that the distant parent has previously behaved violently or threateningly towards the child, the parent has substance abuse or mental health problems, the child has had to witness violence between the parents, or there is a threat of child abduction.
In a supervised meeting, the professional supervisor maintains auditory and visual contact with the child and the visiting parent at all times. In a supported visit, the supervisor is available to the child and visiting parent during the visit. The child can also meet his or her distant parent in supervised exchanges, in which case the meeting itself takes place freely, for example, at the parent's home, but the exchange situation is supervised by a professional supervisor, in which case the parents do not have to face each other. This can be arranged, for example, if the visiting parent threatens the other parent with violence. When supervised or supported meetings or supervised exchanges are considered necessary arrangements in the best interest of the child, they are recorded as meeting practices in the agreement confirmed by the wellbeing services county (child welfare officer) or in the court's decision on the child's custody and visitation rights. If the child is afraid of the distant parent and the meetings are considered to be clearly harmful to the child, the denial of the meetings can also be considered.
When there is violence in the family and parents separate, the aim of the child welfare services is to ensure the well-being of the child and the parent who has experienced violence. This can be achieved for example by drawing up a safety plan and offering support for coping with experiences of violence, by reducing rather than increasing contact between parents, and by supporting parallel parenting. When child welfare work is needed in a family with a history of violence and a difficult separation process, the person who has experienced violence has the right to demand that the situation of violence and/or persecution be taken into account when considering the need for services and options. Child welfare does not resolve a possible custody dispute between the parents, which is dealt with in court, but can support the family while the contentious process is underway.
The person experiencing violence may be dependent on the perpetrator in many ways, which causes them feelings of insecurity and worry if they are considering leaving. The perpetrator may have been able to isolate his/her victim from social contacts, in which case there are not necessarily any close relationships left. On the other hand, the social circle of the perpetrator may be the only community to which the experiencer belongs, in which case separation also means, with a high probability, breaking away from the familiar community. In addition, financial dependence can be strong if the person experiencing the violence has not had the opportunity to work or study, for example, or the perpetrator manages the family finances alone.
Support is available for starting an independent life. You can discuss solutions for housing and financial support, for example, at the social services in your area or at the support services for victims of violence. If you wish, you can also get conversational therapy, tips about peer support groups or information about other options to find support for recovery.
