When a relationship evokes intense emotions, uncertainty and longing, it is natural to look for an explanation for why the other person behaves as they do. Social media content, astrology, tarot cards and various spiritual interpretations and concepts can offer explanations for experiences that are otherwise difficult to understand.
For example, in the concept of twin flames, intense attraction, separation and reunion can be interpreted as signs of an extraordinary spiritual connection. Someone with an anxious attachment style may find comfort and hope in this idea, as the avoidant partner’s behaviour is explained as part of a shared journey of growth. This concept is also often associated with the idea that separation is a temporary phase before an eventual reunion, or union. This can sustain hope and, in turn, keep someone attached to a harmful dynamic.
There can also be a helpful side to these interpretations. They may help you recognise your own needs, learn to establish boundaries and stop pursuing someone who is unable to reciprocate your feelings or participate in a healthy relationship. Someone with an anxious attachment style may learn that they do not have to constantly prove their worth or do everything in their power alone to keep a relationship going.
The challenge arises when growth is thought to require enduring suffering, or when the other person’s repeated withdrawal, inconsistency or hurtful behaviour is seen as a sign of a special connection. If you become attached to the idea that eventual reunion is the predetermined destination of the relationship, provided you do enough inner work, it can be difficult to accept that the relationship may never become safe or reciprocal. The other person may be unable to grow in the same way or may not even realise that you are holding on to hopes of a romantic relationship.
The idea of soulmates and destined connections can also be used to manipulate. For example, in love bombing, one person displays an extraordinary amount of admiration, attention and affection at the beginning of a relationship, creating the feeling that the connection is uniquely special. A manipulative person may say that they have never met anyone like you or that the two of you are meant to be together. This can feel as though you have finally met someone who understands you completely.
Intense infatuation, or talking about and experiencing a sense of being soulmates, does not in itself indicate manipulation. What is concerning is when affection and grand promises are used to build trust and establish a relationship quickly, only to be followed by controlling behaviour, boundary violations, belittling or affection that becomes conditional. This can be very subtle at first and may be difficult to identify or point to directly. Ultimately, what matters more than the feeling of a fated connection is how the other person treats you as the relationship progresses, particularly when conflict arises.
A genuine connection does not require rushing, abandoning boundaries or setting aside your own judgement. Nor does it need to be proved by enduring poor treatment.
What kinds of beliefs can keep you in a harmful relationship?
The idea of a soulmate can describe the experience of a deep connection, feeling understood or having a meaningful encounter. However, it can become a burden if difficulties are interpreted as proof of how special the relationship is, or if you believe you could never find a similar connection with anyone else. At its best, a soulmate relationship is healthy, deep, respectful and loving. It becomes harmful when an intense connection is used to justify the other person’s hurtful behaviour.
A reminder: A relationship can be meaningful without being good for you. Even a deep and genuine connection does not remove the need for reciprocity, safety and respect.
Intense attraction, distancing and reunion can be interpreted as part of a spiritual journey of growth, ultimately leading to reunion. This idea may encourage you to discover your own boundaries, but it can also maintain the expectation that the other person will change or return, provided you work hard enough on yourself and let go. This expectation is often precisely what keeps you attached to the dynamic.
Although the concept encourages you to turn your attention towards yourself and let go, the underlying hope may still be that the other person will return. In this way, you never truly detach from them. Ultimately, the only way forward may be to abandon the concept altogether, or at least adapt your understanding of it, and move on.
A reminder: Growth does not require waiting, enduring suffering or reuniting. You can learn from a relationship while choosing to continue your life without the other person.
You may recognise another person’s vulnerability, difficult past or good qualities and believe that enough love, patience or understanding will help them change. Empathy is valuable, but it can become a burden if you take responsibility for the other person’s wellbeing and transformation, particularly if they take advantage of your empathy.
A reminder: You can understand someone’s background without having to accept their behaviour. Change requires their own responsibility and actions.
A difficult experience can be seen as an opportunity to learn about boundaries, yourself or love. This interpretation can help you find meaning. However, at worst, it can lead you to tolerate hurtful behaviour because you feel you must continue the relationship until you have learnt a particular lesson. You may also believe that there is some fated reason for the harmful relationship that you simply have to accept, trusting that the reason will eventually become clear.
A reminder: You can learn from an experience without remaining in a situation that harms you. Learning does not require suffering to continue.
After a long relationship, it can feel impossible to give up everything you have already invested in it: time, love, effort and shared plans. You may also think that if you have already waited this long, change must be just around the corner.
A reminder: The time you have already invested does not obligate you to invest more. You can make decisions based on what the relationship is like now and what you want from your future.
In these relationships, the dynamic may involve what is known as a trauma bond. The term refers particularly to an attachment that can develop in an abusive or exploitative relationship, where hurt and fear alternate with appeasement, closeness or relief.
When affection and acceptance alternate with rejection, uncertainty or hurtful behaviour, the next positive moment can become especially important. You may start waiting for and pursuing those moments when everything feels good again. This can strengthen your attachment even when the relationship as a whole is emotionally draining.
A reminder: Evaluate the relationship as a whole, not just by its best moments. Your sense of safety should not depend on the other person’s mood. Missing someone, feeling attached and finding it difficult to leave do not mean that poor treatment is acceptable or that the relationship is meant to continue.
When you look for an explanation for a hurtful relationship, does it help you move forward?
Different theories and concepts can give you words for experiences that are otherwise difficult to explain. There is nothing inherently wrong with exploring them. They can offer comfort, help you recognise your own patterns and provide a new perspective on a difficult situation, for example when the other person has withdrawn or you have broken up. Throughout history, people have sought meaning and explanations for the events in their lives. The need to understand, to hope and to believe in something greater than ourselves is also a very human one.
However, it is important to pause and consider how these interpretations affect you and your choices. Does exploring them help you gain clarity, establish boundaries and value yourself, or do they encourage you to keep hoping, wait for the other person to change or doubt your own experiences?
In the twin flame concept mentioned earlier, for example, intense attraction, distancing and reunion are interpreted as part of a spiritual journey of growth. This journey is not necessarily a bad thing if you can maintain your boundaries, approach the dynamic as an opportunity for healthy personal development and ensure that it does not undermine your wellbeing.
However, it is also worth considering whether what you are experiencing could be a recognisable relationship dynamic in which anxious and avoidant attachment patterns interact.
Someone with an anxious attachment style may long for closeness, reassurance and confirmation that they matter to the other person. Someone with an avoidant attachment style may experience closeness or the other person’s expectations as overwhelming and withdraw to regain space. The more one person seeks connection, the more the other may distance themselves. The more one withdraws, the harder the other may try to restore the connection. This can create an exhausting cycle in which both people’s insecurities are reinforced.
However, this dynamic is not inevitable, nor does it in itself mean that a relationship is abusive. A safer relationship can develop if both people recognise their own patterns, take responsibility for them and practise new ways of relating to each other. This often requires sustained and honest self-reflection, a willingness to tolerate uncomfortable emotions and changes in practical behaviour. In some situations, therapy or other external support can be important. Simply identifying an attachment style or understanding the other person does not, by itself, change the relationship dynamic.
This is particularly relevant when change requires both people to do their own work. You cannot do someone else’s personal growth for them, make them ready for a relationship or love them so much that they stop withdrawing or no longer experience anxious attachment. You can influence your own behaviour and boundaries, but you cannot build a reciprocal relationship on your own.
Spiritual concepts unfortunately sometimes offer the hope that, as long as you change your own patterns, focus on yourself and move forward, your energy will draw the other person back to you. This can keep you attached to a harmful dynamic if the underlying motivation for your personal growth is still the hope of reuniting with the other person.
Spiritual growth concepts often emphasise personal development, healing your own wounds and letting go. These can be genuinely worthwhile goals. The difficulty arises when you start doing this work in the secret hope that, once you have healed, established boundaries, stopped pursuing the other person or focused on yourself enough, they will return as a changed person.
Your attention may appear to have shifted towards yourself, while your underlying goal remains centred on the other person. You may start measuring your progress by whether you are now healed enough, detached enough or ready enough for them to contact you and perhaps have changed themselves because you have changed.
Every step towards independence can become another way to sustain the hope of reunion and the belief that your personal transformation will change the relationship dynamic. Your own change can influence how you respond to the other person’s behaviour, but it cannot change their behavioural patterns. Your change may reduce conflict because you no longer react to their behaviour in the same way as before.
This hope that changing yourself will change the other person can keep you attached to the same dynamic, even when your intention is to break free from it. Truly letting go does not mean learning to behave in the right way to get someone back. It means beginning to build your life without its direction depending on whether the other person changes or returns. In a healthy relationship, you should not have to carry responsibility for its success alone.
You do not have to resolve whether the other person was your soulmate or twin flame, or whether the relationship was meant to teach you something. You can preserve the meaning of the experience while letting go of the expectation that you are destined to end up together. If you notice yourself repeatedly returning to interpretations, signs and predictions about when the other person will return or change, it may be helpful to let go of the concept or theory itself, even if only temporarily, and focus on what you need in the present moment. If the relationship has repeatedly hurt you or the other person does not respect your boundaries, you do not need to wait for their growth before protecting yourself.
Sometimes people change their patterns, grow and become capable of building a healthy relationship later on. However, this requires concrete change from both people, not merely intense attraction, longing or a feeling of a special connection. What matters is whether the change is consistently reflected in their actions and whether you can build a relationship in which both of you feel safe and heard.
The other person may return after withdrawing or following a breakup because they miss you and long for closeness. That does not necessarily mean they have changed or are ready to change their behaviour. For example, someone with an avoidant attachment style may long for connection from a distance but find it overwhelming again as intimacy increases, leading them to withdraw once more. This can easily create a cycle in which their return revives hope for change, while the same dynamic continues.
Missing someone is not the same as being ready to build a functioning relationship. More important than whether the other person returns is whether their behaviour changes and whether you can build a safer, more reciprocal relationship together. Even if they return and the connection still feels intense and fated, it is important to pause and consider whether the relationship is good for you if they continue to treat you hurtfully. If necessary, establish boundaries around how you allow yourself to be treated.
These ideas can help you reflect on your personal growth and recognise what you truly want from a relationship. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may learn that they do not have to constantly pursue another person or prove their worth. Difficulties with an avoidant partner may help you recognise your own boundaries and the reciprocity you need.
The challenge arises when difficulties begin to appear as evidence of a special connection or when suffering is interpreted as a necessary stage before a happy ending. If reunion becomes a predetermined destination, it can be difficult to accept that the other person may not want, or may not be able, to build a safe and reciprocal relationship.
A relationship can be meaningful without having to continue. You can learn from it, grow as a person and discover your own boundaries, even if your journey together ends in separation.
Astrology, tarot and other spiritual interpretations can serve as tools for self-reflection. Tarot cards, for example, may help you put your feelings and hopes into words, while astrology can provide a framework for considering different temperaments. Social media content may help you recognise attachment patterns, schemas and harmful behaviours.
However, it is important to distinguish between making sense of your own thoughts and attempting to predict another person’s behaviour or the future. Cards or astrological interpretations cannot tell you with certainty what another person thinks, why they withdraw or whether they will return. Nor do short social media videos generally provide a sufficient basis for concluding that a partner has an avoidant attachment style, is narcissistic or is traumatised.
Repeated interpretations can sometimes sustain uncertainty. You may keep looking for new signs that the other person misses you, that your relationship is destined to continue or that their hurtful behaviour is caused by their own wounds. The reassurance you find may ease your distress temporarily, but soon the uncertainty returns and you begin searching for reassurance again.
On the other hand, the same content may help you see your situation differently, recognise a harmful dynamic and understand that you do not have to take responsibility for the other person’s change. What matters, then, is not necessarily where you seek answers, but what those answers lead you to do and how they affect your wellbeing.
Ask yourself: does this bring me clarity, or does it sustain my uncertainty?
When you read relationship content, interpret tarot cards or explore attachment patterns, you can pause and ask yourself:
Am I looking for understanding or reassurance? Am I genuinely trying to make sense of my experience, or am I primarily seeking confirmation of what I want to believe, such as the hope that the other person will change, misses me or returns to me?
Does this help me see the situation as it is? Or do I keep explaining the other person’s behaviour in ways that make it easier to dismiss my own distress?
Does this strengthen my boundaries? Does it help me recognise what I need and what I no longer want to accept?
Does this increase my anxiety or bring me clarity? Do I find myself checking for signs, interpreting every message and waiting for the next reassurance, or can I continue with my own life?
Does this help me value myself? Does it remind me that I have a right to a safe and reciprocal relationship, or does it make me think that I must endure more, understand better or try harder?
You do not need to find the right answers to these questions immediately. Simply noticing your own tendency to search for explanations can help you approach the situation with greater compassion and awareness.
A difficult relationship can teach you a great deal about your needs, boundaries and the kind of treatment you want in your life. This growth is valuable regardless of whether the relationship continues.
You can understand another person’s attachment style, recognise their schemas or find a spiritual interpretation of your relationship that is meaningful to you. None of these things obliges you to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Someone’s background may help you understand their behaviour, but it does not remove their responsibility for how they treat you.
If you notice that interpretations, content and concepts repeatedly lead you to wait, make excuses for hurtful behaviour or doubt your own experiences, you could try taking a break from them and returning to concrete questions: what is happening in the relationship, can you talk about it, and does the behaviour actually change?
If, on the other hand, a particular way of thinking helps you establish boundaries, detach from a harmful dynamic and trust yourself, it may be a valuable resource for you.
You do not have to abandon beliefs that are important to you in order to make choices that support your wellbeing. You can find meaning in a relationship without having to keep hoping it will continue. You can love someone and still choose yourself. And you can learn from an experience without having to remain in it.
A difficult relationship can help you recognise your needs, learn to establish boundaries and understand what kind of treatment you no longer want to accept. This growth is valuable regardless of whether the relationship continues.
You do not have to work out whether the other person has an anxious or avoidant attachment style, what schemas they may have, whether you share a special spiritual connection or what the relationship is supposed to teach you. You can pause and ask yourself:
- Can I be myself in this relationship and express my needs safely?
- Are my boundaries respected, even when the other person disagrees with them?
- Is change reflected in concrete actions, or am I mainly living in the hope that things will eventually improve?
- If nothing changed, would I want to remain in this relationship? You do not have to abandon beliefs that are important to you in order to assess your relationship realistically. You can find meaning in your experiences and learn from them without waiting for the other person. Growth does not have to lead to reunion. Sometimes it also means choosing your own wellbeing and moving forward.
The common thread behind all these ideas
No single theory can tell you with certainty why someone withdraws or stays in a relationship, or what they should do. At the same time, it is helpful to distinguish between three things:
Meaning: What does this person or relationship mean to me?
Explanation: What experiences, feelings or behavioural patterns might be influencing our relationship?
Reality: How do we treat each other, and what impact does the relationship have on our wellbeing?
All three can matter, but meaning or explanation does not override reality. You can love someone, believe that your connection is special and understand their difficulties, while still recognising that the relationship is neither safe nor good for you.
You do not have to prove that a relationship is bad, or fully understand why the other person behaves as they do, before you are entitled to establish boundaries or leave.