Mental or psychological violence is present in all forms of violence, and it can be challenging to identify. One of the tactics of mental violence is Gaslighting, a form of manipulation to make the target doubt their experiences and observations. These checklists help recognise mental violence and gaslighting in a relationship.
Mental violence checklist
You might not fully understand what they are about, and the situations feel bad, negative, inexplicable and somehow strange. Maybe their behaviour even scares you, or at least it makes you wonder what happened and why.
“Arguments” and disputes can start anytime, anywhere, and it does not take both parties in the relationship to start the argument. However, they claim the “arguments” are often your fault or someone else's fault and not the fault of the person who gets frustrated/angry.
Your partner does not want you to meet your friends or relatives and wants to spend all the time with you. They want to know where you are and what you're doing. At first, this may seem flattering. However, as the relationship progresses, it may become restriction and control.
You may not even realise their existence or question them. The rules are not written or necessarily even said out loud. However, if you don't follow those rules, there will be consequences, and your partner might get angry, sulk, threaten or call you names when you act differently than they would have liked.
Your partner may not be subject to these rules, which may change depending on the situation and according to the partner's moods.
Your partner will point out your failures, call you names or perhaps embarrass you in front of others. They make you feel bad, failed, worthless and question your thinking and actions. You may feel flattened like you're not enough.
If your partner is in a good mood, you must be in a good mood, even if you don't feel like it at that moment. There may not be room for your feelings and thoughts. Your partner's mind and moods fill the room and everyday life.
Often, there are good times and bad times in a violent relationship. The periods of warmness and coldness can be short, up to one day or an hour.
Coldness is usually seen in a smaller amount at the beginning of a relationship, and good periods are longer. Coldness and bad episodes play a bigger role as violence escalates, and good, warm periods decrease. After explosions, the relationship can be hot and passionate, and the atmosphere gets colder over time.
You might feel that your relationship takes a lot of energy away from you and does not give it. Living according to someone else's moods requires much of your daily energy. Being on your toes and predicting someone else's moods requires a lot of energy, and it is not part of an equal relationship.
When you open your home door or when they call, take a minute and think about what you're thinking and feeling. If you feel fear, shame, or guilt in your relationship, exploring the matter more deeply is a good idea. These three emotions are usually present when there is violence in a relationship.
Your partner justifies their cold behaviour because of your or someone else’s actions. You may have heard that if you were different, something else or somehow better, then their behaviour wouldn't be what it is.
It's like octopus tentacles wrapped in your relationship, your everyday life. It's become normal, so it's hard to put in words or explain anymore. It's a complicated, bad feeling.
In good moments, you might enjoy the atmosphere, and you can breathe more freely. In the bad moments, the atmosphere is tightened, tense, and perhaps even frightening. In this case, all energy goes into surviving in everyday life and hoping that a better atmosphere will return soon.
- Criticism, name-calling, insulting, contempt, disqualifying comparisons of their partner to others
- Subjugation
- Intentional sleep deprivation
- Silent treatment and vanishing
- Humiliating, causing embarrassment
- Control, restriction of social interaction, isolation
- Preventing decision making
- Preventing a partner from going places, e.g., work, school, to meet friends and family
- Strong jealousy, exploring messages, stalking
- Destruction of goods/breaking things
- Throwing food, e.g., to the floor
- Intimidation, threatening harm to themselves, e.g., suicide
- Threatening children
- Threatening with divorce or legal actions
- Threatening imprisonment and/or psychiatric treatment
- Maltreatment and neglect of basic needs
- Gaslighting, distorting and omitting facts to confuse their partner
- Denying the other's perceptions and feelings
- Suppressing the other's perceptions and feelings
- Yelling
Gaslighting checklist
Psychological manipulation (gaslighting) involves the abuser employing various strategies to distort the victim's perception of events, their memories, and their sense of self.
The abuser denies or downplays their actions, even when confronted with evidence, and may contradict the victim's experiences or distort the truth.
The gaslighter intentionally provides false information to confuse or deceive the victim, making them doubt their own knowledge or understanding.
The abuser places the blame on the victim for their own behaviour, making them feel guilty or responsible for the problems in the relationship.
The gaslighter may withhold information or downplay the victim's feelings, needs, or concerns, making them feel insignificant or invalidated.
The abuser may manipulate the victim's environment, social interactions, or circumstances to make them question their own perceptions or judgment.