A person's self-esteem is built in childhood and adolescence. It is built in interaction with other people. Self-esteem is not permanent, but is shaped by life experiences. Positive experiences, successes in life and good experiences in interactions strengthen self-esteem. In childhood, the parent/educator acts as a mirror for the child, and the child's self-esteem develops according to what is seen in the mirror. When a parent loves, praises and encourages the child and believes in this, the child's self-esteem grows. Raising that ignores the child's needs and feelings, or even abusive education, has a negative effect on the child's self-esteem. It raises the child to feel that they is not important, lovable and valuable, that their opinions do not matter and that they is not worthy of love and all good things.
Self-esteem means how a person sees themself, their own abilities and possibilities, believes in themself and accepts themself. A person with good self-esteem knows that they can learn and develop. They knows they is worthy of love and good treatment.
The experiences that inevitably come up in life shape self-esteem. Repeated failures lower self-esteem. Living in an abusive relationship lowers self-esteem. The constant criticism, scolding, humiliating, subjugating, questioning and blaming of another person directly affects the self-esteem of the person experiencing it. The experiencer themself begins to believe that they is not worthy, that they does not matter. The fact that another person takes control of another person's life, whether it is physical violence or control, is such a humiliating experience that the experiencer's self-esteem inevitably drops.
Low self-esteem, which can be a result of long-term violence, is one reason why it can be difficult to break free from an abusive relationship. Sometimes the perpetrator of violence has also long conveyed the message to the experiencer that there is nothing to be done about this, that it is pointless for them to imagine that they can live without the perpetrator. The experiencer has begun to believe this themselves, and leaving like this can feel terrifying, even impossible.
Self-esteem can be developed. When you discuss your situation with a professional, this can help the survivor. You can start to pay attention to how you have managed in a difficult situation day after day. You can start to collect all your successes throughout your life, positive feedback from your loved ones and friends, your success in studies and work, and the feelings of well-being you have achieved in your hobbies. It is worth keeping a record of these and returning to them when doubts arise. Even after leaving an abusive relationship, self-esteem begins to return when the survivor notices that they are doing well. Good new relationships strengthen self-esteem. Old friends can also remind you again and again how loved and important you are. In an abusive relationship, you may have lived according to the demands of the other person, and the fact that you are able to live a life according to your own vision, your own values, and enjoy it strengthens self-esteem tremendously.
It is comforting to know that it is normal to have low self-esteem when living or having lived in an abusive relationship or having experienced any type of abuse. It can change, and self-esteem can grow. You have already overcome a major adversity.