Many people affected by harmful relationships feel stuck with the fact that they recognise narcissistic and hurtful behaviour in another person, but then read or hear that only a professional can diagnose someone as a narcissist. This can feel confusing and frustrating.
However, it is possible to talk about narcissistic behaviour, or narcissism, without a formal diagnosis.
Understanding narcissistic traits, personality disorders, and harmful behaviour
The terms narcissistic traits, narcissistic personality disorder, and harmful relationship behaviour are related in some contexts, but they do not mean the same thing.
Narcissistic traits can include a strong need for admiration, a sense of entitlement, or difficulty taking other people's perspectives into account. These traits exist to varying degrees and do not, on their own, establish that a person has a personality disorder or is abusive.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health diagnosis that can only be assessed by a qualified professional. It involves an enduring pattern of characteristics that causes significant difficulties. It cannot be reliably identified from a few behaviours, a relationship story, or information found online. Only a qualified professional can assess whether a person meets the diagnostic criteria.
Harmful relationship behaviour refers to actions and patterns that negatively affect another person, regardless of whether the person displaying them has any diagnosis. Examples can include repeated humiliation, intimidation, manipulation, denying or distorting events, shifting responsibility, ignoring boundaries, or using threats and fear to influence another person. Such behaviours can occur in relationships with or without narcissistic traits or a personality disorder.
A person does not need to be a narcissist to behave in harmful ways
Equally, having narcissistic traits or a diagnosis does not automatically mean that someone is abusive. It is important to look at the person's actual behaviour, whether it forms a repeated pattern, and how it affects the people around them.
A person does not need to meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder for their behaviour to cause harm. The focus is not on labeling someone, but on recognising harmful behaviour patterns and their impact. Narcissistic traits and behaviours can affect relationships negatively and may appear as emotional or psychological abuse.
Traits such as lack of empathy, belittling, putting one’s own needs first, manipulation, or an inability to take responsibility can create repeated conflict and emotional harm in close relationships. Because a person with strong narcissistic traits may struggle to reflect on their behaviour or acknowledge their own role in conflict, blame is often shifted onto the other person. Over time, this can lead to confusion, guilt, and an unequal power dynamic in the relationship.
Unfortunately, it is unlikely that a person with strong narcissistic traits will “recover” or significantly change without recognising their behaviour, because they often see the cause of problems in other people rather than in themselves. Narcissism is often described through different presentations, such as dismissive, vulnerable, or attention-seeking forms. Of these, dismissive narcissism is considered the most common.
For someone with narcissistic traits to change their behaviour, they would first need to recognise and acknowledge the harm it causes. This can be particularly difficult, as shame, insecurity, and fragile self-esteem are often closely tied to narcissistic behaviour.
Its roots may lie in childhood experiences, for example, being excessively praised and treated as superior to others, or, conversely, experiencing emotional neglect, which may lead a person to overemphasise their own value as a coping strategy. Narcissism is often strongly connected to shame, insecurity, and low self-worth, while superiority, arrogance, and a need for admiration may function as ways to protect against those painful internal experiences. Personality, temperament, genetic factors, and environment can all play a role. Narcissistic traits may also become more pronounced, for example, through substance use.
A self-centred person often tends to put themselves first, but this does not necessarily mean they are intentionally trying to hurt others.
A self-centred person may:
- focus strongly on their own needs, thoughts, and feelings
- overlook the needs of others, sometimes unintentionally
- is able to receive feedback
- usually be capable of empathy when the impact of their behaviour is explained
- is willing and able to change and grow with feedback, reflection, and support Self-centredness can be challenging in relationships, but it is not the same as a persistent pattern of manipulation, coercive control, or emotional abuse.