Unfortunately, separating from a violent relationship or leaving violent circumstances does not mean that the violence or its effects end immediately. Sadly, violence can sometimes continue even after the separation, and its impact can be deep and highly damaging. Recovery for the survivor can take a long time. The comforting part, however, is that a significant step toward a better life has been taken, and it is possible to recover from the violence.
Aftercare begins primarily with ensuring safety. From every angle, it must be considered where the violence could still intrude into the survivor’s life. Is the residence safe and, if necessary, secret? Safety could mean that the apartment is not at ground level, that no one can access the door (is the front door locked?), and whether there is a door chain or security lock. The address can be secret, the location should not be shared anywhere, and daily routes should be varied. Even these measures alone can bring a sense of security.
If children are involved in the situation or family, it is important that child protection services are engaged. Child protection workers are trained and experienced in handling situations where safety may be at risk. Therefore, it is very important to follow their guidance consistently. Even a single exception can undermine everything.
If one has been the victim of a crime, it is advisable to file a police report, and if the threat continues, it is wise to apply a restraining order.
When a person feels safe and violence no longer reaches them, it becomes possible to begin their own path of recovery. Recovery has room to grow when one is no longer in survival mode and when all energy and resources are not consumed by fighting for life and well-being. Recovery takes time, but every day is a step forward.
As a person heals from violence, they constantly learn new things. They can make choices in their daily life, which can feel difficult. It may be hard to decide what to buy at the store or what to eat when someone else has been making those decisions for a long time. It is worthwhile to make decisions and try new things. People grow throughout life and learn new skills. For example, if someone has never used a computer or bank services, they can learn to do so. Learning new things also strengthens self-esteem and confidence that one’s own life is manageable.
Survivors of violence may experience nightmares for a long time and suffer from various sleep difficulties. It is important not to face these alone—healthcare professionals can provide invaluable help. Sleep is the foundation for all well-being, so it is worth addressing systematically. During the day, it is good to go outside, work, study, or engage in other meaningful activities, eat healthily, exercise, and connect with other people. The role of others in recovery should not be underestimated. When another person listens to you, smiles at you, and shares things with you in a reciprocal conversation, you are seen and valued. Interaction nourishes a person.
If you are lonely, it is beneficial to join a hobby group that interests you, or to talk with other parents at daycare or school, with teachers, store cashiers, neighbours, or coworkers—everyday life is full of opportunities for connection.
Talking about one’s experiences helps many people. By speaking, a person organizes what they have gone through, giving the experience a more manageable form, allowing them to release their emotions, and often receiving empathy and encouragement from the listener. The listener can also validate the intensity of the experience. One can talk to loved ones, but speaking with a professional has its advantages. A professional knows how to ask the right questions relevant to the situation and survival, and can guide a person toward empowerment and moving forward. Keeping experiences secret can be very burdensome, and breaking the wall of secrecy has helped many immensely. When one is able to speak about something, one can also begin to cope with it.
It is also okay to take a break from talking. Sometimes it is helpful to focus on practical life, daily tasks, enjoyable activities, and living according to one’s own values. If one has dreamed of starting a hobby, it is worth pursuing. Values can be clarified by writing them down and comparing them to how they are reflected in everyday life—whether one spends time on important things or not. Living according to one’s values means living close to one’s authentic self, which may have been lost under the weight of violence. A person may have changed in some ways as a result of what they have experienced.
- Who was I before the violence?
- Who am I now?
- What do I currently think about different aspects of life?
- What will I accept as part of my life moving forward, what do I expect, and what kinds of relationships do I want to be part of?
Many people may fear entering a new relationship. A person who has experienced violence may fear that their experiences will repeat with someone new, and may struggle to trust and allow themselves to be vulnerable, which comes with a new relationship. It is important to remember that this is now a different person and to give them a chance. They are not responsible for the violence committed by another. Of course, it is wise to be aware of red flags.
A new, safe, and loving relationship can be very restorative. It is like healing the wounds one has received. In a relationship, one is valued, respected, cared for, and loved. A person who has experienced violence often learns to appreciate a safe relationship.
However, if one notices themselves repeatedly entering harmful relationships or suffering severely from trauma even years later, it is advisable to seek therapy to process these experiences. It is normal to react to and recover from experienced violence over several months or even a couple of years, but if one feels completely stuck, a professional can provide significant help. There are therapists who specialize in experiences of violence and trauma. Guidance for accessing therapy is also available through healthcare services.