In cases of domestic violence, it is important to consider the situation of the children. Children are always affected by domestic violence. They see or hear what is happening, feel the fear at home or are directly involved in the acts of violence. Children also want the domestic violence to stop.
Domestic violence is a permanent risk to a child's development and health. Family relationships have a significant impact on a child's physical, psychological and social well-being and their emotional and cognitive development. Reliable people/parents, communication within the family and a supportive environment can give children a sense of security and acceptance and promote their ability to cope better with stressful life circumstances and traumatic events (resilience). Of course, the age of the child and their personal strengths also play a major role here. Children react very differently when there is domestic violence in the family.
It has an impact if parents are unable to fulfil their protective role due to domestic violence and its consequences and respond to their anxiety and stress at a time when their children are particularly dependent on support and protection.
You are not alone; do not hesitate to seek help.
Domestic violence often plays a role in several generations of a family. Children who have experienced domestic violence between their parents have an increased risk (50%) of becoming victims or perpetrators of domestic violence in their adult life.
Experiences of violence in childhood can leave psychological wounds and traces. If these children have stored the traumatic experiences in their brains and have not been able to process them and then become parents themselves, they may (usually unconsciously) transfer learned behaviours and forms of conflict management, parenting styles, attitudes, insecure attachment experiences, fears, experienced helplessness, mood swings, aggression, etc., which are related to their own experiences of violence, to their children. Pregnancy, birth or parenthood can also reactivate negative memories of one's own childhood and traumas and can influence how one deals with one's own children.
Domestic violence can, therefore, be passed on from generation to generation. This is also referred to as intergenerational traumatisation.
In Germany, domestic violence is considered a threat to children's welfare because threats, fear and beatings can leave their mark on children and shake their trust in important caregivers. The effects are often underestimated. It is a common misconception that children, especially young children, do not witness violence between partners.
However, children have a right to a non-violent upbringing (Section 1631 (2) of the German Civil Code BGB). This also results in a right to help and protection from domestic violence. The special protection of children requires attention - children can hardly help themselves. This gives rise to an obligation on the part of parents and society to counteract avoidable and unnecessary harm to the welfare of children.
Domestic violence causes stress. Severe childhood stress has long-lasting and profound effects on brain structures, essential functions, and subsequently on behaviour, emotional well-being, and overall health, even in adulthood. Early care and nurturing are crucial for brain development during the formative years when the nervous system undergoes rapid changes. The environment holds immense influence, particularly in the first 2-3 years of life. The hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning in the brain, can be altered by stress. However, such epigenetic developments can be changed, even if it takes time.
Children often feel responsible or guilty for the violent behaviour and believe that they somehow caused it and that it is their fault. They may be angry at a parent for not being able to protect themselves or them. Some children feel guilty for not intervening to stop the assault. They may try to please their parents out of fear of violence or to avoid critical situations. However, children can also feel left alone and helpless in the situation because their parents no longer sufficiently recognise their needs and care for them due to the repeated violence. Despite everything, children are attached to their parents and depend on them.
Some children try to settle disputes, resolve conflicts, intervene protectively or call the police, knowing full well that they will ‘disappoint’ the violent parent and possibly incur their anger and rage. They take on parental functions, experience parents as needy, and feel themselves to be someone who does not deserve care. This can also influence later relationships. (Cf. Literature: Ute Ziegenhain, Erlebens- und Verarbeitungsweisen von Kindern im Kontext häuslicher Gewalt, E-Learning Gewaltschutz.
Many children also express concern about the well-being of the violent parent. They may grieve the thought of the parent being left alone or worry that the parent will end up in prison. Especially if the parent has made threats of harm towards others or themselves, the child may be anxious about the safety of the parent.
The child can also feel deep anger and hate towards the violent parent. However, the child should be informed when efforts are being made to help the abusive parent. They are not being abandoned, but they must be willing to accept the offered assistance. Even an abusive parent is still a parent.
Children are naturally loyal to their parents, and it is essential for them to feel accepted by both parents. However, domestic violence in the family can also promote conflicts of loyalty. Children are emotionally attached to both parents. Hostility or even open aggression between the parents is associated with difficult or unmanageable and conflicting feelings for them.
They are afraid that their parent will kill their other parent, but they also don't want them to be punished.They feel responsible for one parent and/or identify with the other parent, who asserts themselves violently and aggressively.
A conflict of loyalty can also arise when parents forbid others outside the family to tell them what has happened at home and to seek help under threat of consequences.
If they tell someone anyway, they feel like a traitor, if they don't, there is a lack of contact with people who think violence is not okay.
Parents often mistakenly believe that children are unaware of violence and, therefore, do not need to discuss it with them. This is a misjudgment. Children observe, hear, and sense everything. Even young children who cannot yet speak are aware of the atmosphere at home, and these experiences are stored in their subconscious minds. Parents may also assume there is no need to disclose the complete truth to the child or that they only grasp events superficially and easily forget them. It can be surprising for parents to discover how accurately children can describe acts of violence, even when they thought the children were unaware or asleep.
The child is aware of what has happened at home and understands that going to a shelter or a safe place is connected to those events.
It is fair to talk openly with the child about what happened and explain decisions (that they had to leave for safety reasons) rather than making excuses (We are on holiday.) Children have a right to know why they had to leave home, that what happened was wrong and possibly a crime, and that they are now safe and, if they are in a shelter, professionals are assisting them.
Especially with older children and adolescents, it is also part of open communication that they are allowed to have their own view of things and possibly also want to stay with the parent who has used violence instead of fleeing with their mother.
Communication can help calm the child and alleviate their fears, which they may have hidden to protect their already burdened parent from additional distress. A parent sets a positive example by actively speaking up, demonstrating that open communication is beneficial and they can overcome challenges together.
Raising a child in an environment characterised by understanding, safety, and affection is crucial. The child must not be subjected to punishment or treated disrespectfully. They must be protected from all forms of violence.
If domestic violence and/or child abuse play a role in the family, there are various offers of help and intervention options.
Affected children/young people or parents themselves, but also people close to the family and professionals (doctors, teachers, etc.) can contact the youth welfare office.
The police also make a report to the youth welfare office after a domestic violence incident. The youth welfare office will talk to the family concerned and can offer various forms of help to relieve the situation (e.g. family support), support in dealing with contact and custody issues or applying for protection orders, etc. The focus is on the welfare of the child. The welfare of the child is at the centre of this. If the child is at extreme risk and the parents are unwilling to co-operate, the child may also be removed from the family (taken into care, German: Inobhutnahme).
However, parents also have access to various advice centres, the violence against women helpline and the violence against men helpline, which are available to those affected. Perpetrators of domestic violence are welcome to use the perpetrator hotline. Child protection centres or the parents' hotline provide advice on violence against children.
The number against grief is aimed directly at children and young people.
Read more:
The youth welfare office. Support that gets through: Das Jugendamt. (A brochure in different languages)
Witnessing or experiencing violence causes serious harm
Witnessing or experiencing violence in the home causes profound emotional, psychological, and developmental harm.
However, not all children develop health problems or development disorders.
Providing support and intervention for children exposed to domestic violence is crucial. Counselling, therapy, and support groups can help them process their experiences, heal from trauma, and develop coping strategies. Creating a safe and nurturing environment and ensuring their overall well-being is essential for their recovery and resilience, as well as for breaking the intergenerational cycle of violence. Here are some ways domestic violence can impact children:
Children may experience various negative emotions, including fear, anxiety, sadness, powerlessness, anger and rage. They may feel unsafe, constantly on edge, and struggle with trust issues. They have sleep and concentration problems, nightmares or withdrawal.
Children exposed to domestic violence may exhibit behavioural problems such as aggression, defiance, or withdrawal. They may have difficulty managing their emotions and have trouble forming healthy relationships.
The stress and trauma of domestic violence can impair a child's ability to concentrate, leading to academic challenges. They may have difficulties in school, lower grades, and reduced educational achievement.
Children in violent households can suffer physical injuries and health problems such as haematomas, bruises, fractures, headaches and stomach aches etc. The chronic stress can weaken their immune systems and lead to other health issues.
Domestic violence can hinder a child's healthy development. They may experience speech, language, cognitive abilities, and social skills delays due to the toxic environment they are exposed to.
Children who grow up in an environment of domestic violence are at higher risk of developing mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and substance abuse problems later in life.
Witnessing violence can distort a child's understanding of healthy relationships. They may struggle to establish trust, maintain healthy boundaries, and form secure attachments.